President Joe Biden used his State of the Union address Tuesday night to promote unity. I found that very divisive.
This is America, not some “united” collection of states in America. I don’t need a liberal cramming his so-called unity agenda down my throat. My throat is very busy yelling loudly about things that make me angry, like everything.
Rather than do exactly what my conservative media ecosystem told me he would do, which was stand at the dais like a caricature and snark and sneer and prattle off some radical agenda, Biden sneakily spoke about Americans coming together, uniting against tyranny abroad and embracing policies that are widely popular.
Here comes Joshua
He even introduced an adorable boy named Joshua as an example of why it’s important to cap prices on drugs like insulin. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET EXCEEDINGLY ANGRY AT AN ADORABLE BOY NAMED JOSHUA?!?
“In Virginia, I met a 13-year-old boy named Joshua Davis,” Biden said. “He and his dad both have Type 1 diabetes, which means they need insulin every day. Insulin costs about $10 a vial to make. But drug companies charge families like Joshua and his dad up to 30 times more. I spoke with Joshua’s mom. Imagine what it’s like to look at your child who needs insulin and have no idea how you’re going to pay for it.”
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That was a dirty trick, Biden. What am I supposed to do with that? Shout “Let’s Go Brandon!”?
Stomping 'defund the police' idea
As if that wasn’t bad enough, the so-called president went on to stomp all over the “defund the police” line, which is my favorite thing to get angry about.
“We should all agree – the answer is not to defund the police,” Biden said. “The answer is to fund the police with the resources and training they need to protect our communities.”
What you didn't hear during SOTU:Biden botched his first year as president
Oh, great. Way to pop my balloon, Joe. Now what line am I supposed to use to inaccurately criticize Democrats who never actually supported defunding the police in the first place? At least I still have critical race theory.
The whole night started off on a difficult-to-scream-in-rage foot, as Biden spoke passionately about Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, doing so, again, in a way that aimed to draw Americans together in opposition to tyrannical Russian President Vladimir Putin.
“Let each of us here tonight in this chamber send an unmistakable signal to Ukraine and to the world,” he said. “Please rise if you are able and show that, yes, we the United States of America stand with the Ukrainian people.”
What was I supposed to do, just sit there like a jerk? No, of course not. I had to stand up and clap my hands and have strange thoughts that I haven’t thunk in a while, like maybe we are better as a country when we’re not screaming in each other’s faces and threatening each other on Twitter.
This had to be some kind of trickery. I wanted to hop online and call someone a “leftist cuck,” but my heart just wasn’t in it.
Infrastructure and inflation
Then Biden talked about infrastructure.
“That’s why it was so important to pass the bipartisan Infrastructure Law – the most sweeping investment to rebuild America in history,” he said. “This was a bipartisan effort, and I want to thank the members of both parties who worked to make it happen.”
Oh lord, he’s not only acknowledging my side, he’s thanking my side.
“We’re done talking about infrastructure weeks,” he went on. “We’re going to have an infrastructure decade.”
State of the Union:Biden is showing fire and resolve on Ukraine. America needs that, too.
First he thanks Republicans, then he trots out an un-boo-able line. Well, at least he’s not going to acknowledge inflation. I’ll be able to nail him on that one.
“But with all the bright spots in our economy, record job growth and higher wages,” Biden said, “too many families are struggling to keep up with the bills.”
Uh oh.
“Inflation is robbing them of the gains they might otherwise feel,” he said. “I get it.”
DAMMIT! What kind of sorcery is this? At one point the Democrats in the chamber – the Democrats! – broke out into a chant of “USA! USA! USA!” That’s our line, you monsters.
Next they’re going to try to take that Lee Greenwood “God Bless the USA” song from us, and we’ll be left with nothing!
Watching Ukraine defend democracy: Are we doing enough to protect our own?
Biden went on to talk about a slew of policies that are annoyingly popular among Americans, from universal background checks on gun purchases to cutting the cost of child care to providing a pathway to citizenship for Dreamers to passing the Bipartisan Innovation Act that invests in research and manufacturing.
That was unbelievably unfair to people like me who prefer the GOP’s smart and patriotic policy proposals, which can all be summed up like this: ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Worst of all, Biden stuck the landing
As if all of this unity pressure wasn’t enough, Biden ended his speech with a booming voice, distinctly different from the weak, doddering-old-man voice I choose to believe he has because the people on my television tell me that’s what I should believe.
“It is in this moment that our character is formed. Our purpose is found. Our future is forged.”
Again with the “our.” Ugh.
“As hard as these times have been, I am more optimistic about America today than I have been my whole life.”
BOOOOO … see, it doesn’t even work. Yeesh.
“The state of the union is strong – because you, the American people, are strong,” Biden said. “Now is our moment to meet and overcome the challenges of our time. And we will, as one people. One America. The United States of America.”
Hmmm. The UNITED States of America, you say? Does have kind of a ring to it, I suppose.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still mad. But maybe a little less than I was before.
I’m sure I’ll get over it by tomorrow morning.
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