EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a weekly column from former sports reporter and editor Mike Bass. Bass will be contributing to The Enquirer by offering advice for sports fans, athletes and youth sports parents and coaches through a weekly Q&A. You can reach him at [email protected] or on Twitter @SportsFanCoach1.
My friend Sanford relapsed on Facebook.
He four-letter-worded his outrage against his favorite teams and anyone wronging them. He was back to Lewis Black mode again, only the rage was real and not funny. He was surprised to see all the examples over the weeks, and he was not proud of it. He wanted to address it.
Time to work together again.
Sanford does not want to be THAT PERSON, who loses control in front of others or on social media. He wants to be the good friend, the good relative, the good person. That is why we first worked together. It helped.
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He just needs a tuneup sometimes. He is not alone. It shows character to embrace a reboot and an open mind to consider new ideas. He saw what worked. He can benefit from what did not. That is learning, not failure.
We sit at a hamburger place last Friday and explore a bit.
* * *
Sanford is like a lot of us. His first and forever loves are local sports teams. If he were from Cincinnati, he would have identified with the Reds and Bengals. Instead, he and I grew up in the Chicago area, and we have been friends since we were kids. When I left and joined the media, he continued bonding with his hometown teams. That connection can be wonderful. Until it isn’t.
Sanford can calmly watch any other NFL game through clear eyes when he has no rooting interest, but when Chicago plays, on go the Bear Goggles. A bad play, a questionable call or a tough loss, and he sees red. His body tenses. His heart races. He reacts impulsively. Raw emotions tear down his filters and logic. He is enmeshed with his team.
“If it’s the Bears, you feel like your team does,” he says. “If they are a failure, you feel like a failure.”
He seems uncomfortable saying this, but it shows an incredible awareness and a powerful realization that he wants to detach a bit. He wants a healthier connection.
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This helps: Sanford sees the After Picture, and what it will mean to him. He reiterates what he decided to try after previous sessions. He will lower his expectations. He will remind himself this is only a game. He will show up on social media and in front of others the way he wants to present himself. He will breathe and count to 10 and stay off the public Facebook app when he is upset.
This needs help: What if he could find a more effective and sustainable strategy?
* * *
As we talk, an opportunity emerges.
Sanford keeps focusing on a call that launched a Facebook outburst, the Bears’ taunting penalty in Monday night’s loss to Pittsburgh. Each time he mentions it, his anger rises, and the obscenities fly.
He sees referee Tony Corrente victimizing Chicago again ... commissioner Roger Goodell turning the rule into a joke ... the Bears unfairly singled out ... and, oh, yeah, why was Chicago nailed for taunting earlier this year when Green Bay’s Aaron Rodgers grabbed the Bear’s facemask first?
I point out how this topic sets him off. He stops.
I ask him how confident he is, on a 1-10 scale, that he can pull himself out of it when he starts getting angry like this.
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"That’ll be tough,” he answers, candidly.
Exactly.
When calm, Sanford concedes that players are responsible for adapting to the taunting rule, like it or not. When triggered, no way. Not now. The truth is, he will be triggered again, same as a whole lot of us.
His prior strategy helped, when he used it, but often failed to stop him from losing control when triggered. He was entering a burning building with an air rifle.
Now he is ready to hone his strategy. He settles on a six-step approach I adapted from my Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching training:
1. When you start getting upset, do or say something to stop the momentum. Sanford picks the word “Typical.”
2. Try a different breathing technique. Sanford likes the idea of 4-7-8 breathing – inhale for four seconds, hold your breath for seven, exhale for eight. Repeat as necessary.
3. Ask yourself how appropriate your emotional reaction is. If you get upset, how do you want to show it? Sanford keeps forgetting Facebook is public. He has mentioned using the private messenger group we share with a few other friends as a safer space to vent (and he does).
4. Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself and causing your anger. Are you seeing clearly?
5. Ask what else might be going on here other than the story you are telling yourself. How might others view it?
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6. Ask yourself how you want to handle this differently next time, and what you want to do about it in the long term.
Time for a test drive.
* * *
Now it is Sunday, Bears versus Ravens.
Sanford and his girlfriend, Frieda, watch at his house. They make sure he has his six-step plan. He goes over it before the game. He enters our group chat. There are five of us who jump in and out from our various locales.
Sanford takes an early poke at Goodell and taunting. He is messing with me. “Don’t worry,” he writes. “I’m still calm.”
This is good. Humor is good. When Sanford uses humor or puns, he has more fun and stays loose.
The game is close. Sanford stays on messenger and on message, posting frequently but with more analysis and a lot less vitriol. The end is dramatic. Andy Dalton throws a fourth-down touchdown pass to give Chicago the lead late, but the Bears defense wilts as Baltimore rallies to win.
Cue the Sanford meltdown? The Facebook screed?
Not today. He nails it.
We agreed to talk later to get his take on it. I can’t wait.
* * *
We talk later, and Sanford admits he started to get upset at times (which is understandable), but he pulled himself out of it (which is laudable).
Frieda says she worried for him because she knew how hard he was trying. She was impressed that he stayed calm in front of her.
The 4-7-8 breathing, Sanford says, was particularly helpful.
“I thought I was going to lose it after they let up that last touchdown,” he says. “And, yes, I did say, ‘Typical.’”
Overall, how did he think it went?
“I think I passed,” Sanford said.
Frieda and Sanford thank me, which means a lot, but Sanford deserves so much credit. He succeeded just by trying. He chose the strategy. He did the work. He avoided Facebook. He did not have to be perfect to be great.
Keeping this up will take practice and probably more adjustments, more tuneups. On Tuesday, Sanford again chooses our message group for some of his more, shall we say, colorful rants. This is good.
I offer a little help on the chat. I set up “word effects” so emojis fly for certain obscenities. Maybe this will help him snap out of it. Maybe not.
And if Sanford needs another tuneup, I will be here.
Email Bass at [email protected] or reach out to him @SportsFanCoach1 on Twitter if you want to be included next week. His website is MikeBassCoaching.com.
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