Steven F. Shundich
Good morning, Mobsters. It’s Wrigleyville Steve, place holder for the irreplaceable Paul Daugherty, sports philosopher extraordinaire and connoisseur of hand-rolled cigars and boutique bourbons. Lover of dogs ... AND cats. Do know how lucky you are to have Paul? And Cincinnati? And Ohio?
I live in Chicago, where a major topic of discussion at City Hall is, “Should ‘man’ be removed from the word ‘Alderman'.“ Then there’s the heated debate around the removal of 41 statues around the city, including five Abe Lincoln's – in the Land of Lincoln! And our newbie mayor, Lori Lightfoot, just used $281 million of federal COVID-19 relief funds to cover police personnel costs. (Lean more at John Kass’ Chicago Way).
To put the bureaucratic cluster here into perspective, Cincinnati has nine members on its City Council. Chicago has 50. And it doesn’t get any better at the state level, where four of the last 11 Illinois governors were sent to jail. If you’re keeping score at home, since 1973 that’s one high-ranking Illinois elected official in the White House (Obama), and four in the Big House.
Meanwhile, just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, my local neighborhood sources (aka the bartenders at Merkles) tell me the Ricketts family, billionaire owners of the Chicago Cubs, reportedly have taken over three more major watering holes: Sports Corner, Vines and the Cubby Bear. The people at Sluggers’ supposedly said, “Fie on you!” But even so, if this is true, then the Ricketts now are very close to controlling three of the four sides around Wrigley Field. That’s like Mike Brown owning The Banks! And where the Ricketts go, $14 pints of craft beer soon follow ($11 if you swill Bud Light). Sigh.
But enough about Chicago. Let’s talk sports!
MAD ABOUT MARCH MADNESS
The eight games on tap for the 2021 NCAA D1 men’s basketball tournament Sweet 16 make this weekend arguably the best of the year. But there are no Bearcats. No Musketeers. No Wildcats. No Flyers. No Hoosiers. No Norse. And now, no Buckeyes and no Bobcats. But no worries – there’s something for everyone:
On Saturday ...
If you live in Chicago – or, frankly, anywhere in the world – and you want to go to heaven, then the absolute must-see TV (2:40 pm EST, CBS) includes two hours with the adorable and 101-year-old Sister Jean and her Loyola University Ramblers as they try to dam those pesky beavers of Oregon State. Plus, have you seen Cameron Krutwig and his mustache? Simply outstanding.
If you’re a Bearcats fan, it’s not heresy to root for Sister Jean. She was a teacher at Mundelein College – not Loyola – in 1963, when the Ramblers (28-2, AP #3 at the time) had a divine, 15-point, second-half rally to knock off UC (26-1, AP #1) 60-58 at the buzzer in OT for their one and only NCAA championship. FYI, Mundelein became part of Loyola in 1991, which led to Sister Jean’s anointment as Ramblers team chaplain in 1994.
In other Saturday action, although you can never underestimate a Jay Wright-coached team, I’ll cheer for Baylor over Villanova, because for some unknown reason I picked them to go all the way. I also want to become fabulously wealthy, so obviously I’ll pray for Oral Roberts to convert dozens of FGs and send Arkansas to you know where.
The best game, in my opinion, will be Houston versus Syracuse. Although it will be extremely difficult to not pull for a team led by a guy with the nickname Buddy Buckets, I’m going for Houston because a) They are in the much-maligned and often ridiculed American Athletic Conference (with UC) and, b) Their coach, Kelvin Sampson, got a raw deal at Indiana. Fired for texting / calling a high school recruit? Simply outrageous!
On Sunday ...
I picked the Zags over Creighton and to reach the final against Baylor, because Corey Kispert and Drew Timme wear cool brah white headbands. Florida State versus That School Up North? Who cares.
Although I don’t think they will defeat Alabama, I will cheer for Cincinnati native Mick Cronin, his dad Hep, and UC, Los Angeles (7:15 pm EST, TBS). See how I did that?
The last game may be the best of the day, as I take the Oregon Ducks over USC. As much as I am intrigued by the Mobley brothers, that ex-con Lori Loughlin absolutely ruined the Hallmark Channel for me. Is she still allowed to vote?
Alternative Sunday viewing for X fans: Summer Olympics Soccer
If you find the thought of watching Mick Cronin’s UCLA squad abhorrent, then turn the channel to the United States U-23 men’s soccer team and their semi-final match against Honduras (6 pm EST, FS1). The winner automatically qualifies for one of two CONCACAF spots in the 16-country Summer Olympics soccer tournament in Japan. The United States has not played in this tourney since 2008.
NOTE: On Sunday, there’s also a match (12:05 pm EST) featuring the USMNT versus Northern Ireland in a World Cup friendly, live from Belfast.
MUST (NOT) SEE TV:
What’s the worst part about March Madness? The endless stream of utterly horrid commercial breaks. Not everyone can capture an audience with genius-level creativity (Apple AirPods) or an awesome tune (AirBnb “House on a Hill” with John Denver). Without further ado, here are my bottom five:
#5 Mike Gets a Perm: Now, granted, the 30-second version provides more answers about why cats are attracted to Mike’s perm, but the 15-second spot without context is simply a constant reminder of that fateful day I entered my email into an AmeriSave web page. The phone still hasn’t stop ringing.
#4 United States of Al trailer: An Afghan translator moves to – where else? – Ohio to start a new life near a Marine veteran friend. Hilarity does not ensue. The original March Madness short trailer with the cliché goat and Michael Jordan jokes is so bad, I think they pulled it. Memo to prolific sitcom creator Chuck Lorre and his executive producer Reza Aslan: I don’t care if your lead is not from Afghanistan (he’s from South Africa) or that four of your writers/producers are. Can y’all just write better jokes? It’s like when I go overseas and tell people I’m from Chicago. The response is often, “Chicago! Al Capone! BANG! BANG!” Well, I guess that kinda is true.
#3 It’s Like Magic, #2 Birdwatching and #1 In the Annapolis: Since 2015, Capital One has been torturing me with March Madness ads featuring Charles Barkley, Spike Lee and Samuel Jackson. These ads make me want to wear a mask – forever. Although Doc must love the one with Magic Johnson and his broadcasting idol, Jim Nantz, who’s about to get sawed in half: “This is Jim Nantz, signing off ... Good-bye.”
THERE’S MORE TO PRO HOOPS THAN THE NBA
You may know that former UC standout Gary Clark was just traded from the Orlando Magic to the Denver Nuggets. With Lance “Born Ready” Stephenson last seen in China, Clark is the only Bearcat left in the NBA, while Xavier has only Edmond Sumner (Indiana Pacers) and Naji Marshall (New Orleans Pelicans).
But did you know that as you read this Friday, UC’s Sean Kilpatrick is leading Herbalife Gran Canaria in Game 2 of a best-of-three series quarterfinal against the Boulogne Metropolitans 92 in the EuroCup? He had 17 points in 21 minutes in Game 1, FYI.
Meanwhile, UC’s Troy Caupain was named “Man of the Match” this week for his efforts in the Basketball Bundesliga. He plays for Ratiopharm Ulm, in the Medieval city of Ulm, on the Danube River in Germany.
UC’s Octavius Ellis starts at center for Olympiacos BC in Piraeus (2011 pop. 163,688), the fifth-largest city in Greece. And last Sunday, Bearcat Coreontae DeBerry had 12 points and 8 rebounds as the center for Vitória SC in Guimarães, Portugal. DeBerry previously played in Thailand, Canada and Germany.
So, while Bearcats Jarron Cumberland (Raptors 905), Jacob Evans (Santa Cruz Warriors) and Trevon Scott (Salt Lake City Stars) and Musketeers Kaiser Gates (Long Island Nets) and Trevon Bluiett (Salt Lake City Stars) all toil in the NBA’s murky G League waters to keep their hoop dreams alive, there are hundreds of U.S. basketball players in professional leagues all over the world. Do what you love. Earn a living. See the world. As a traveler and lifelong learner, I think that’s kinda cool.
NOTE: If you want to try and find your favorite former U.S. basketball players anywhere in the world, try https://www.eurobasket.com/. Pick a region, select a country and / or team, then sort the players column to see athletes from the USA.
ASK STEVE: ADVICE FOR THE HELLUVA IT
When I decided to leave the College of William & Mary after my sophomore year to attend Indiana University, there was no transfer portal. Granted, I wasn’t an athlete. I was just a pre-med student (supposedly), getting simultaneous Cs, Ds and Fs in Art History, Renaissance Art History and Medieval Art History, respectively. Do you know how many slides you need to memorize? If I had ever actually attended one of those classes, I would tell you it’s in the thousands!
My kind-hearted professor, Miles Chappell, now Chancellor Professor Emeritus of Art History, offered to give me a C so my credits would transfer. I said, “Thanks, but don’t bother. I’m switching to Quantitative Business Analysis.”
That’s like a point guard making the switch to tennis. But Ash Soni, now Executive Associate Dean for Academic Programs and still a professor of Operations & Decision Technologies, still welcomed me to Indiana with open arms. I’ll always remember him because one afternoon he took a moment to turn away from the chalk board and tell our class the best (and most inappropriate) one-liner I’ve ever heard. Ba da bing!
My point here, if there is one, is this: If you’re one of the six basketball players from UC (or the four from Xavier) who have decided to transfer, I hope you made some lifelong friends and had as much fun as I did at William & Mary. As for the coaches, I recommend 45 minutes of sensitivity training followed by 10 sessions of hot yoga – while the entire team watches. That should cure whatever ails ye.
TUNE OF THE DAY
It’s March 26, which just happens to be the birth date of singers Dianna Ross, Steven Tyler and Xiumin of the K-Pop band Exo (and, just FYI, also sub groups Exo-M and Exo-CBX). But who cares, when there’s something from 1970 that is ohhh so much better. It’s the first piece of vinyl I ever bought, a 7-inch single for a child with money from who knows where. Mowing lawns. Feeding cats. Delivering newpapers (The Enquirer and Post!). Solid gold. And that protest at the beginning of the video? Women? In pro hockey? Timeless.
Former Terrace Park resident and Mariemont High School grad Steven Frederick Shundich (All Southwest Ohio Soccer, Second Team, 1980) is a Chicago-based travel writer and humorist. Check out his blog and free monthly newsletter at www.wheresthefunny.blog.
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